


Swappedstuck

by rezi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (it is Lordlyhour's opium), Alternate Universe - Character Swap, Awkwardness, Bodyswap, Complete and Utter Confusion, Confusion, Gen, Humans as Trolls, Trolls As Humans, and eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-14
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-01-04 15:39:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 152
Words: 8,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On April 13 2009, a young woman wakes up in a life that isn't her own.</p><p>Welcome to Swappedstuck, where the patron trolls have to blunder through their respective kids' lives and somehow cope with the end of the world at the same time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Homestuck

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lordlyhour](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lordlyhour/gifts).



> Yet _[another](http://archiveofourown.org/works/984543)_ fic from [this thread here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/976890?show_comments=true#comments)! It's from precisely [this](http://archiveofourown.org/comments/4694634) section of the thread, for people who don't want to scroll through nearly 500 comments. [Lordlyhour](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Lordlyhour) is entirely to blame for this one. How darest thou. *shakes fist*

A young woman stands in her respiteblock. It's... not actually her respiteblock. Not her body, either. She has no idea how she got in this young man's block. Or, for that matter, his body. She basically has no idea what the fuck is going on here.

But forget all that for the time being, because this young woman needs a name.

What will it be?

> [Enter name.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2176876)


	2. Enter name.

_Don't you d8re!_

Seriously, don't you think this girl's got enough to deal with? Dropped onto a completely alien planet, in the body of a completely alien species? And then you have to go and give her a name like that. For _shame._

It's alright. She'll forgive you. May8e.

Just hurry up and give her a proper name already!!!!!!!!

> [Try again.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2176891)


	3. Try again.

Okay, you guess that's a better name. Quite a nice name, actually. The sort heroic, rugged males would get in your favorite movies.

Yeah, you like that name. But it's not yours.

> [Examine room.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2176894)


	4. Examine room.

Your name is actually VRISKA SERKET. As was previously mentioned you have NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. But apparently, a number of CAKES are scattered about the room. There are also a variety of POSTERS on the walls, displaying many intriguing specimens of the same species as the boy whose body you're in. There is a COMPUTER in the corner, which you should probably use at some point to investigate what's going on.

What will you do?

> [John: Retrieve arms from drawer.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2176915)


	5. John: Retrieve arms from drawer.

You decide that the first thing to do should probably involve getting some actual arms. This is a weird species, sure, but they've got to have arms _somewhere._

They'll probably be in that chest over there -- every decent pir8 knows that something as important as that will be kept in a chest.

Of course, you realize this just as you have gone over to the drawers. Ugh, such an idiot.

> [Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2176933)


	6. Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST.

You, the reader, now regretting your misstep with the naming earlier and wishing to make amends, assist her by lifting the cake off her magic chest.

Yes, this is meta as fuck.

> [John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2176942)


	7. John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST.

You, Vriska, take the arms from the chest with your hands. You know, the ones you had all along and had somehow managed not to notice.

This is even more meta as fuck.

Might as well see what junk's in this chest while you're at it.

> [John: Examine contents of chest.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2176978)


	8. John: Examine contents of chest.

In here is A LOAD OF USELESS CRAP. Seriously. Whatever guy you've ended up replacing, he was definitely a TIER ONE GOOFBALL.

Among the USELESS CRAP is: TWO (2) FAKEY FAKEY FAKE ARMS [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED IN YOUR SYLLADEX], ONE (1) PAIR OF FAKEY FAKE HANDCUFFS, ONE (1) USELESS SWORD THAT ISN'T EVEN SHARP, ONE (1) LAME POINTY HAT, ONE (1) PAIR OF WEIRDO GLASSES, SEVERAL (~) SMOKE PELLETS, SEVERAL (~) RED THINGIES, ONE (1) BIG-ASS BOOK, and ONE (1) OTHER BIG-ASS BOOK.

Yeah, this is all pretty much junk. Except the smoke pellets. You might actually be able to use them for something that isn't completely lame and boring.

> [John: Captchalogue smoke pellets.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2177037)


	9. John: Captchalogue smoke pellets.

You stow the SMOKE PELLETS on one of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your-- OH FUCK, THIS GUY USES STACK MODUS? SERIOUSLY????????

You haven't used STACK MODUS since you were a wiggler. Oh, the nostalgia. Stuff flying all over the place. Making a mess of your block. Broken eight-balls everywhere... yeah, it was _awful._

You're so glad you switched to the EIGHT-BALL MODUS. Making a mess of your block. Broken eight-balls everywhere... _so_ much better.

> [John: Equip fake arms.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2177083)


	10. John: Equip fake arms.

Well, you've gone through the moron phase of using this modus before. You should PROBABLY, with any luck, be able to use the thing now --

_You can't even free up cards that aren't on top?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!_

Screw this. You are eight hundred and eighty-eight percent done with this shitty modus. Time to shit around looking at posters or something instead.

> [John: Examine Problem Sleuth poster.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2177092)


	11. John: Examine Problem Sleuth poster.

Is this...

Can it be...

It _is!_

YES! HELL YES! HELL _FUCKING_ YES!

At least this planet has Problem Sleuth. There's hope for civilization here yet.

> [John: Read note on drawer.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2177111)


	12. John: Read note on drawer.

........

What the fuck is this.

Hopefully the poster will be more interesting.

> [John: Take poster.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2177127)


	13. John: Take poster.

You pick it up and OH GOD IT HAD TO GO IN YOUR SYLLADEX DIDN'T IT.

You are not ready for this shit all over again.

You'll need a lot of luck to avoid getting into what is technically known as THE HUGE DATA STRUCTURE CLUSTERFUCK. And with your shitty luck lately, you have a feeling you're in for a bad time.

> [John: Acquire hammer and nails. They will come in handy.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2177140)


	14. John: Acquire hammer and nails. They will come in handy.

You take the hammer and...

Oh gr8.

Whatever you pick up next, you're inevitably going to end up causing some 'arm.

> [John: Take nails.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216321)


	15. John: Take nails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from watching the Doctor Who Christmas Special!  
> (There's probably a law in Britain saying that everyone in the country is legally obliged to watch the Doctor Who Christmas Special when it's on.)  
> (If there isn't, there should be.)  
> (Also, that was the best regeneration ever and no one can tell me otherwise.)  
> Anyways. Welcome to part 4 of the MERRY MOTHERLOAD! And I am posting more than just this chapter, don't you worry. I've got quite a bit stored up, actually... >:D

Aaaaaaaand there they go. Ugh, you wish this shitty modus would get ejected instead.

At least you've got what you need to actually DO something now. Good thing, too - pick up any more and you'll end up dropping the SMOKE PELLETS. You don't want to waste them yet.

Alright. Time to start doing shit.

> [John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216328)


	16. John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk.

NO, YOU DID NOT MEAN "DOING SHIT" LITERALLY.

WHY WOULD YOU THINK OF DOING THAT.

WHY. _WHY._

> [John: Combine the nails and the hammer.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216335)


	17. John: Combine the nails and hammer.

Alright. Time to start doing shit BY WHICH YOU MEAN PRODUCTIVE ACTIVITIES.

NOT ANYTHING ELSE. DEFINITELY NOT TAKING THE FORMER PART OF THAT SENTENCE LITERALLY.

GOT 8T????????

> [John: Use hammer/nails on poster.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216341)


	18. John: Use hammer/nails on poster.

See? This modus is actually okay!

When you're not trapping all your belongings underneath the most useless things imaginable, ejecting what you need most vitally off to who-knows-where, making a complete mess of absolutely everything...

Yeah, that's not a lot of the time.

> [John: Nail poster to wall.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216348)


	19. John: Nail poster to wall.

Finally you can get this done with. This should not have been as much of an ordeal as it was. You take a moment to reminisce about your beautiful EIGHT-BALL MODUS. Sweet, dear, precious EIGHT-BALL MODUS. You never knew just how easy it was until it was gone.

Oh yeah. The poster.

Who are these douchebags????????

Hang on... does the one on the left have horns?

Maybe your species are actually known to this civilization. Maybe there's a chance you can get home!

And maybe you can find some clues in the other posters...

> [John: Examine Con Air poster.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216351)


	20. John: Examine Con Air poster.

You examine the poster, hoping to find a glimpse of home.

Instead... you find the love of your life.

Oh, that rugged look. Oh, those greasy locks of hair. Oh, the well-defined muscles and heart-stealing look!

What's the name above him? "John Cusack"?

Even if you don't get back to Alternia, you could get used to having this poster of John Cusack hanging up in your room.

So very used to it indeed.

> [John: Examine Deep Impact poster.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216368)


	21. John: Examine Deep Impact poster.

Huh? What? Oh yeah, posters.

You finally manage to tear your eyes away from your beloved John Cusack and look at this shitty poster instead.

Looks like it's about water. Booooooooring. You don't give a shit about water, you're not a seadweller. (You're not even a troll any more, but that's beside the point.)

Can you go back to ogling John Cusack now?

> [John: Examine calendar.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216377)


	22. John: Examine calendar.

Oh fine, you'll look at this thing first. Looks like a primitive way of measuring time. Plus some guy in a hat and, apparently, "BETA!"

You'd beta go and do something else before bothering to figure out what that means.

> [John: Eat cake.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216390)


	23. John: Eat cake.

NO. Noooooooo. You've survived on Alternia long enough to know that, when someone gives you food without asking for anything in return, you _never_ eat it.

Okay, maybe this planet isn't as murder-infested as yours. Maybe not all cake from strangers is poison death cake. But you're not taking any chances.

Meanwhile... the computer seems to be receiving a message...

> [John: Examine incoming message.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216403)


	24. John: Examine incoming message.

........  
........  
........  
........  
........  
........  
........  
........

You make a mental note to change the desktop background as soon as possible. Preferably to something involving spiders.

> [John: Open Pesterchum.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216408)


	25. John: Open Pesterchum.

Who are these douchebags?

> [John: Open message.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216431)


	26. John: Open message.

TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today  
EB: Who are you?  
TG: im dave strider  
TG: sup  
EB: Right. You're one of my friends, then?  
TG: score one for johnny boy  
TG: yo whats with the weird act  
TG: like youre even more clueless than usual man  
TG: whats up with that bro  
EB: Well........  
EB: You pro8a8ly won't 8elieve me on this.  
EB: 8ut I'm not actually the person you think I am.  
TG: F1N4LLY!  
EB: Huh?  
TG: W3 W3R3 WOND3R1NG WH3N YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO B3 SW4PP3D  
TG: M4K3S S3NS3 TH4T 1T H4PP3N3D ON YOUR HUM4N WR1GGL1NG D4Y  
TG: OR R4TH3R JOHNS  
EB: Wow, slow down!!!!!!!!  
EB: Firstly, wh8t the fuck????????  
EB: Is this... Terezi?  
TG: YOU GOT 1T >:D  
TG: 4ND YOU 4R3 OBV1OUSLY VR1SK4  
EB: Yeah.  
EB: Secondly, what the hell is going on????????  
TG: W3 DONT KNOW  
TG: BUT W3V3 4LL B33N SW4PP3D W1TH TH3S3 FOUR R4NDOM HUM4N B31NGS  
TG: WHO KNOWS WHY  
EB: Who's "we"?  
TG: W3LL TH3R3S M3 4ND YOU OF COURS3  
TG: T3NT4CL3TH3R4P1ST 1S FUSSYF4NGS  
TG: 4ND G4RD3NGNOST1C 1S SHOUTY  
EB: Oh god.  
EB: Why us four?  
TG: BLUHHHHH  
TG: 1 K33P S4Y1NG 1 DONT KNOW!  
EB: You know more than I do!!!!!!!!  
TG: F1N4LLY YOU 4DM1T 1T >:P  
EB: You kn8w what I mean.  
TG: OK4Y  
TG: ON 4 MOR3 S3R1OUS NOT3, NON3 OF US 4CTU4LLY KNOW TH4T MUCH  
TG: W3 KNOW W3V3 B33N SW4PP3D W1TH TH3S3 34RTH K1DS  
TG: 4ND W3V3 GL34N3D 4LL W3 C4N OF TH31R CULTUR3  
TG: BUT 4P4RT FROM TH4T W3V3 B4S1C4LLY B33N RUNN1NG 4ROUND L1K3 H34DL3SS CLUCKB34STS TH3S3 FOUR MONTHS  
TG: W3 DONT KNOW WHY TH1S H4PP3N3D  
TG: OR HOW  
TG: D3F1N1T3LY NOT HOW TO G3T B4CK  
TG: SO FOR TH3 MOM3NT W3R3 STUCK H3R3  
TG: STUCK 1N TH3S3 HUM4N "HOM3S"  
TG: (TH4TS WH4T TH3Y C4LL H1V3S)  
EB: Ugh, okay. I guess I'll just have to get used to this weirdo planet.  
EB: Any tips for me, so I can get used to 8eing "home" stuck?  
TG: NOT MUCH  
TG: YOUR N4M3 1S JOHN 3GB3RT  
TG: TOD4Y 1S YOUR "B1RTHD4Y", WH1CH 1S B4S1C4LLY 4 HUM4N W1GGL1NG D4Y, 3XC3PT 1T H4PP3NS ONC3 4 "Y34R"  
TG: 4 Y34R 1S 4BOUT H4LF 4 SW33P, MOR3 OR L3SS  
TG: 4ND YOUR3 13 Y34RS OLD TOD4Y  
EB: Is that thirteen, or ie?  
TG: SM4RT4SS!  
TG: TH1RT33N  
EB: Got it.  
TG: OH 4LSO W3 W3R3 PL4NN1NG TO PL4Y TH1S G4M3 TOG3TH3R FOR YOUR B1RTHD4Y  
TG: M3 4ND JOHN 1 M34N  
TG: BUT 1 W4S R34LLY LOOK1NG FORW4RD TO 1T  
TG: SO C4N W3 PL4Y 1T TOG3TH3R 1NST34D?  
TG: FUSSYF4NGS 1S 1N ON 1T TOO  
EB: Didn't we have a truce????????  
EB: That we wouldn't play games together any more?  
TG: WH4T???  
TG: NO 1T W4SNT 4BOUT TH4T  
TG: TH3 TRUC3 W4S TO STOP TH4T STUP1D PO1NTL3SS CYCL3 OF R3V3NG3 W3 W3R3 1N!  
TG: WH1CH YOU H4D B3TT3R NOT ST4RT 4G41N 1N TH1S G4M3!!!  
TG: THOUGH 1 4M K1ND4 M1SS1NG B31NG BL1ND >:[  
EB: Why would you miss that????????  
EB: I sure 8n't missing being half-blind.  
EB: And the ro8otic arm was a pain!  
EB: Haha, good luck to that "John Eg8ert" guy dealing with that!  
TG: HMM  
TG: DO YOU KNOW HOW D4V3 STR1D3R W4S G3TT1NG ON W1TH MY BL1NDN3SS?  
EB: How would I know that?  
EB: I'm not psychic.  
EB: Well, not THAT psychic.  
TG: OH TH4TS 4NOTH3R TH1NG YOUD H4V3 LOST  
EB: D8mn!!!!!!!!  
TG: >:P  
TG: BUT D1D "1" 3V3R P3ST3R YOU DUR1NG OR 4FT3R MY WR1GGL1NG D4Y  
EB: I think you did a few times........  
EB: Oh yeah! The first one was mostly keysmashing.  
EB: I thought you'd lost it completely then! Lol.  
EB: 8ut I guess that makes sense now.  
TG: 1 HOP3 H3S 4LR1GHT NOW  
TG: FROM H1S CH4TLOGS 1T S33MS L1K3 H3 W4S 4 PR3TTY COOL GUY >:[  
EB: Well, "your" other messages were at least vaguely comprehensi8le.  
TG: 1 GU3SS TH4TS SOM3TH1NG  
TG: 4NYW4Y  
TG: JOHN S41D H3 W4S W41T1NG FOR TH3 B3T4 TO 4RR1V3 1N TH3 M41L  
TG: 4PP4R3NTLY YOU C4N S33 TH3 M41LBOX FROM TH3 W1NDOW  
TG: 1F TH3 CH3RRY R3D FL4PPY TH1NG 1S UP 1 TH1NK TH4T M34NS TH3R3S M41L TH3R3?????  
EB: I'll go check now.

> [John: Look out window.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216452)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> F1N4LLY 4NOTH3R CH4R4CT3R >:O


	27. John: Look out window.

Huh. Earth looks surprisingly pleasant compared to Alternia.

No spidermom to feed, no need to murder anyone just to survive...

You think you might actually enjoy it here. Even though you do want to go back eventually, it'll be a nice 8r8k from all the killing.

> [John: Examine mailbox.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216460)


	28. John: Examine mailbox.

Hey, the "CH3RRY R3D FL4PPY TH1NG" _is_ up!

Time to go get this game, then.

> [John: Go outside and check mailbox.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2216467)


	29. John: Go outside and check mailbox.

You would, but... a scuttlebuggy's just pulled up.

You have no idea who this is. Might be a friend... might be an intruder. You don't particularly want to find out yet, either.

For now, you're still stuck at home.

> [John: Forget it. Check mail later.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2312622)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all, folks! For today, that is.  
> Happy holidays!


	30. John: Forget it. Check mail later.

Ugh, why did this have to happen _today_????????

It was your wiggling day as well! You were all set for a fun day of roleplaying and murdering some useless chumps when suddenly you're in this douchebag's body. What's he called again? John Ebgert? Like you could care less.

Oh look, Terezi's pestering you again. Whatever. Does this guy at least have any decent games?

> [John: Examine games on CD rack.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2312629)


	31. John: Examine games on CD rack.

[[FLASH PAGE]](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/00031/00031.swf)

Oh hey, it's A LOAD OF BORING JUNK!

Why are you even surprised???????? You should be getting used to this doofus' taste (or lack thereof) by now.

Does he have anything decent to read?

... you think you can predict the answer to that one.

[> John: Read COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2312634)


	32. John: Read COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT.

This thing is so huge, you're actually contemplating setting this guy's strife specibus to BOOKKIND. Is that even a thing? You hope it is.

You think you're gonna leave it here for now, though. You've messed with your sylladex enough.

> [John: Captchalogue fake arms again.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2312638)


	33. John: Captchalogue fake arms again.

_do you not understand the meaning of "you've messed with your sylladex enough"_

Right. This calls for desperate measures.

> [John: Set Pesterchum status to "bully".](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2312645)


	34. John: Set Pesterchum status to "bully".

You're doing this. You're going ALL THE WAY UP TO BULLY on this stupid lame chat client.

Not sure if your mood quite justifies RANCOROUS, though. You don't want to venture there just yet.

Oh yeah, Terezi's still bugging you... May as well deal with her while you're here.

> [John: Answer chum.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2312681)


	35. John: Answer chum.

TG: is it there  
TG: pls say yes  
EB: What's with the typing?  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: 1 M34N OH Y34H  
TG: 1 K33P FORG3TT1NG 1 DONT H4V3 TO T4LK L1K3 D4V3 4NY MOR3  
TG: 4NYW4Y H4V3 YOU GOT 1T  
EB: Haha, nope.  
TG: HOW COM3??  
EB: This other humin's there.  
TG: 1TS "HUM4N"  
EB: Wh8tever.  
TG: W4S TH3 HUM4N W34R1NG 4 N1C3 H4T?  
EB: I dunno, I didn't see!  
EB: It's not like I have super vision... any m8re, that is.  
TG: H4H4  
EB: Fuck you!  
TG: 4NYW4Y TH4T W4S PROB4BLY JOHNS D4D  
TG: NOTH1NG TO WORRY 4BOUT  
EB: The fuck is a "dad"?  
TG: B4S1C4LLY 4 LUSUS  
TG: BUT 4LSO 4CTU4LLY 4 HUM4N 4S W3LL FOR SOM3 R34SON?  
EB: Wow. Humans are weird.  
TG: YOUR3 T3LL1NG M3  
TG: 1V3 B33N L1V1NG W1TH TH3M FOR MONTHS  
TG: 4NYW4Y H3S S4F3  
TG: JUST GO DOWN TH3R3 4ND GR4B TH3 B3T4  
EB: Ugh...  
EB: 8ut that'd involve more sylladex 8ullshit.  
TG: WH4TS YOUR MODUS  
EB: Stack...  
TG: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H44444!!!  
EB: Shut the fuck up!!!!!!!!  
TG: OH M4N YOU 4R3 1N FOR 4 B4D T1M3  
TG: H4V3 YOU 4LLOC4T3D TH3 STR1F3 SP3C1BUS Y3T???  
EB: How's th8t gonna help????????  
TG: JUST 4LLOC4T3 SOM3 R4NDOM TH1NG 1N YOUR SYLL4D3X  
EB: 8ut I was planning to allocate something else........  
EB: F8ne.  
EB: The thing is, I've got some fake arms on the top card.  
TG: WOW YOU R34LLY DO SUCK 4T TH1S  
EB: Again, shut the fuck up.  
TG: JUST US3 TH3M ON SOM3TH1NG  
TG: 4NYTH1NG  
EB: Fine, here I go........

> [John: Combine fake arms with cake.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2312689)


	36. John: Combine fake arms with cake.

There you go. A veritable monument to absolute stupidity.

> [John: Allocate hammer to strife specibus.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2312700)  



	37. John: Allocate hammer to strife specibus.

Huh. Bookkind _is_ a thing.

Shame it's not happening, though. You're stuck clobbering things with this stupid little hammer. Joy of fucking joys.

At least the nails weren't on the top card. Nailkind isn't a thing, and for a good reason too. Going around stabbing things with puny little nails would be excessively stupid.

Nailgunkind is on there, though... now that'd be interesting...

Okay, you seriously need to stop messing around.

> [John: Select "HAMMER".](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2312710)


	38. John: Select "HAMMER".

The deed is done, and now you're stuck with this thing. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

> [John: Report progress to TG.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2312726)


	39. John: Report progress to TG.

EB: Right, that shit's dealt with at last.  
TG: WH4T H4V3 YOU GOT????????????  
EB: Hammerkind...  
TG: >:OOO  
TG: PR3TTY SW33T!  
EB: Are you serious? It sucks!  
TG: M4YB3 1T DO3S WH3N YOUR3 US1NG 1T >:P  
EB: Ugh. What did I do to end up stuck here with you.  
TG: OH, NOTH1NG MUCH  
TG: JUST 3V3RYTH1NG  
EB: I'll test my hammerkind out on you in a minute if you keep on like this.  
TG: GOOD LUCK W1TH TH4T >:PPP

> [John: Captchalogue Colonel's big book.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341565)


	40. John: Captchalogue Colonel's big book.

Even if it's lost to your strife specibus now, at least you could drop it on someone or something. Could still be useful as a weapon.

As a book... less useful. You don't exactly have a burning desire to read about MAGICAL FRIVOLITY or PRACTICAL JAPERY. Your practical jokes, on the rare occasions when you play them, are generally less funny (to their victims, at least) and more murderous.

At least you can actually carry this thing in your sylladex. Man, this boy is a weakling! You are going to get him buffed up as soon as possible.

... hang on. You realize you've just emptied out your sylladex only to end up filling it up again.

But isn't that the _point_? There is no escaping this. You will only ever fill it up and empty it out, for the entirety of the rest of your life. Isn't it a fruitless existence? A meaningless--

SHIT YOU'RE GETTING EXISTENTIAL. ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT

Is there anything sufficiently inane around here to distract yourself with????????

> [John: Examine GameBro Magazine.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341567)


	41. John: Examine GameBro Magazine.

Ah, yes. Think pan-numbing gaming magazines are obviously a universal constant. This'll do you nicely.

> [John: Read article.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341583)


	42. John: Read article.

You can almost _feel_ the IQ points melting away.

Yes, this is exactly what you needed. No chance of you questioning the meaning of existence with THIS dross on hand!

May as well keep it for future purposes.

> [John: Captchalogue GameBro.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341599)


	43. John: Captchalogue GameBro.

One final card left. You had better expend it on something vitally important, something that is absolutely crucial to the continuance of your bizarre human life.

> [John: Captchalogue magician's hat.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341627)


	44. John: Captchalogue magician's hat.

_WHY_

Maybe it was a bad idea dumbing yourself down like that with that stupendously stupid piece of journalism. You'll probably be making idiotic mistakes like this for the rest of the day.

> [John: Get funny glasses too.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341642)


	45. John: Get funny glasses too.

You might be able to make the most of it, though: together with these goofy glasses, you construct a [CUSTOMARY ALTERNIAN DISGUISE KIT.](https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=troll+beagle+puss&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=WFXlUpWzMMSthQfaxoCICQ&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1857&bih=974)

You never know, humans might actually be dumb enough to be fooled by these things.

> [John: Wear disguise to fool dad.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341653)


	46. John: Wear disguise to fool dad.

Using this flawless disguise, you will be able to BLEND IN SEAMLESSLY WITH YOUR SURROUNDINGS!!!!!!!!

EXCEPT YOU WON'T!!!!!!!! BECAUSE YOU DOUBT EVEN HUMANS ARE MORONIC ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY BE FOOLED BY THIS SHITTY DISGUISE!!!!!!!!

You keep it on though, regardless. At least you've got access to the cards below now.

> [John: Leave room.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341679)


	47. John: Leave room.

You venture outside for the very first time, albeit with caution. Who knows what you might encounter out here?

The first picture you see informs you that... maybe this is actually a customary item of facewear on the human planet? Have you actually managed to fit in by accident? If so, you just hope your OUTRAGEOUS LUCK continues and doesn't run out any time soon.

The second picture worries you somewhat. You've always tried to steer clear of the subjugglator caste, but you recognize their insignia when you see it. If you've landed up among their human counterparts, then... you're going to need every drop of your luck.

But whether that is the case or not, the fact remains that they have _very bad taste._ Yeuch.

> [John: Go downstairs.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341710)


	48. John: Go downstairs.

With more and more clown images being revealed with every step, your worst fears are seemingly confirmed. You've definitely ended up with clown cultists.

_Shit._

The smell of baking confectioneries worries you even more. If the rumors are true, baking is a common hobby amongst the Alternian Empire's most ruthless élite. Urban legend has it that even [THE EMPRESS HERSELF](https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=her+imperious+condescension&client=firefox-a&hs=O3q&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=VVjlUuekOY-jhgfhpoGoCg&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1857&bih=974) engages in it recreationally...

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

This is going to be _so_ much worse than you expected.

> [John: Admire harlequins.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341749)


	49. John: Admire harlequins.

You peer through the stupid glasses in a state of absolute horror. They've even got _figurines..._

This isn't just some ordinary cultist, some lay believer you're dealing with here. This is a full-on _devotee_ , pious as fuck and willing to do anything for their cause...

Hopefully this doesn't extend to killing you. Fuck fuck fuck fuck _fuck fuck fuck fuck..._

> [John: Examine fireplace.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341769)


	50. John: Examine fireplace.

The horror only increases. It seems to be compounding itself infinitely all the time you spend exploring this terrifying place.

What kind of sick person keeps an open fire in their hive, ready and waiting to _burn people to death????????_

Unless this isn't actually fire. Maybe it's some kind of optical illusion...

Hmm. You'll have to test this.

> [John: Toss GameBro into fire.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341776)


	51. John: Toss GameBro into fire.

This fire is real, alright.

You can't even begin to explain how much you're freaking the fuck out right now.

> [John: Fondly regard cremation.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341795)


	52. John: Fondly regard cremation.

What's this? Or, more to the point, _who's_ this?

Another human, sure. A close friend, perhaps?

She looks pretty old. Must have been a good fighter to survive that long. Or of a high enough caste for people to leave her alone.

And what's the deal with this weird jar thingy?

You think a closer look couldn't hurt...

> [John: Topple urn.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341818)


	53. John: Topple urn.

_NO!_

Oh fuck, you really have blown it now! You're not going to get away with this without consequences...

What makes things worse is that these were probably the person's _actual bodily remains._ Probably burnt to death in that fire, in fact. And you've _spilt_ them!!!!!!!!

You are in _deep_ shit........

> [John: Combine father's pipe with clever disguise.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341837)


	54. John: Combine father's pipe with clever disguise.

Maybe if you make this disguise a little better, you might be able to get away with it...

Although, come to think about it, the only thing that'll make THIS disguise better is probably it not being there at all.

Try as you might, nothing's gonna stop it being the shittiest piece of shit that ever got shat.

> [John: Examine oversized gift.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341844)


	55. John: Examine oversized gift.

Maybe whatever's in this thing might help you.

You're glad whoever wrote this message believes in you, because right now you really, _really_ do not.

> [John: Open large present.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2341856)


	56. John: Open large present.

_FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK_

> [John: Captchalogue ashes.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2349180)


	57. John: Captchalogue ashes.

First you put this hideous thing on the couch, so you don't end up tripping over it or something. That's the LAST thing you need right now, in your fragile emotional st8.

Time to clean up, then. Maybe they'll kill you a bit more nicely if you hide your tracks. Y'know, slit your throat first before shoving you in the furnace or something.

> [John: Combine ashes with urn.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2349187)


	58. John: Combine ashes with urn.

Hey, sylladices are actually useful for some things!

... barely, though. There's ash all over the place... you've probably just made things worse.

What were you saying earlier about your outrageous luck???????? Hahahahahahahaha........ ::::/

> [John: Put urn back.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2349191)


	59. John: Put urn back.

Yeah, you don't need vision 8fold to be able to tell that YOU HAVE MADE A FUCKING MESS OF THIS.

> [John: Go get fake arms again.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2349201)


	60. John: Go get fake arms again.

You just had an idea that might stop that clown thing from freaking you out so much. Yes, it's a completely stupid idea, but you seem to be full of those today.

Meanwhile, someone's bugging you on Pesterchum. Bugging and fussing and meddling........

> [John: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2349208)


	61. John: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room.

You (the reader) notice there are actually other walls to this room, hidden by the video game-esque interface we are viewing Vriska/John's world through.

You (Vriska/John) are entirely unaffected by this.

I (the narrator) am also in the process of breaking one of these walls. You know. The fourth wall. Hahaha.

(This is where you [the reader] laugh, by the way.)

You (the reader) fail to laugh; you (still the reader) think we should probably quit this bullshit already and get back to being you (Vriska/John) already. 

And I (the narrator) wholeheartedly agree.

> [John: Check Pesterchum.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2349219)


	62. John: Check Pesterchum.

You were wondering when she'd get round to meddling with you........

> [John: Check message.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2349251)


	63. John: Check message.

TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.  
EB: Kanaya.  
TT: Ah.  
TT: Yes, That Is Me.  
TT: I Assume Our Fourth Swapee Has Finally Joined Us?  
EB: You're typing weirdly.  
EB: Since when do you actually use punctuation?  
TT: Perhaps I Have Decided That Some Of My Body's Prior Inhabitant's Mannerisms Are Worth Adopting On More Levels Than Just To Cover Up The Occurance Of An Identity Switch.  
TT: I Think It Looks Quite Sophisticated.  
EB: Wow, looks like SOMEONE'S got a crush!!!!!!!!  
TT: No Comment.  
TT: Regardless, Our Speech Patterns Were Rather Similar Even Before The Swap.  
EB: Ha, I can tell.  
EB: You even sounded like you when you were pretending to not 8e you.  
TT: Perhaps I Did. But That Is Irrelevant, As There Is No Longer Any Need To Hide My Identity With You.  
TT: Now I No Longer Have To Suffice With Sounding Like Kanaya, I Can Progress Confidently With Actually Being Kanaya. While You Are Being...  
TT: Am I Correct In Assuming You To Be Vriska?  
EB: Got it in one, Fussyfangs.  
EB: Didn't Terezi tell you?  
TT: No.  
TT: She Was Probably Pursuing Some Incredibly Important Tasks That Desperately Needed Doing.  
TT: Or, In Cruder Terms:  
TT: Bullshitting Around.  
EB: Ha, I 8et.  
EB: Anyway, gotta go.  
EB: Gotta make sure my sorry ass doesn't get culled.  
TT: What?

> [John: Go back downstairs.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479282)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Houston, We Have A Third Character!


	64. John: Go back downstairs.

You are doing this.

You are making this hapen.

You are making intentionally misspelt references to something you don't even know exists, but whatever.

Time to make shit take place.

> [John: Attach arms to doll.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479297)


	65. John: Attach arms to doll.

There, you see? How could you possibly be scared of THAT?

You've almost certainly incurred the wrath of the clown cult by blaspheming this sacred mascot, but whatever. You were pretty much screwed as soon as you somehow ended up in their creepy hive, so you may as well make it funny.

Who knows, THEY might even find it funny? They're a capricious bunch. You wouldn't put it past them.

Maybe your weird actions were a product of your OUTRAGEOUS LUCK, which has saved you again? Yessssssss.

> [John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479303)


	66. John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor.

And if you've ended up in a hive with people who read THIS shit, then they probably can find arms on a fucking clown doll funny.

Excuse you while you burn this to a crisp.

> [John: Throw present wrap in fire.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479315)


	67. John: Throw present wrap in fire.

Yeah, may as well chuck this crap in too. Having an incinerator on hand sure is useful.

You just hope being in this crazy place isn't corrupting you with pyromania or something.

> [John: Captchalogue doll.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479324)


	68. John: Captchalogue doll.

... yeah, no thanks. It's funnier now, yeah, but you're still going to leave that creepy-ass thing right where it is.

> [John: Read Colonel Sassacre's text.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479345)


	69. John: Read Colonel Sassacre's text.

If you're shitting around here still, you may as well have a look through some of your reading material.

You regret this immediately upon opening the book. Yeah, how about no.

It would help if you could actually make sense of what this douchebag is saying. As it is, you're just gonna leave this well alone.

Can we get the plot moving please????????

> [John: Find dad and retrieve mail.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479369)


	70. John: Find dad and retrieve mail.

You may as well try to find "John"'s weird human lusus thing. What was it Terezi called it? A... ded?

From one door comes the smell of baking cake, which smells irresistable but could still be poison death cake. You would not put that past this household.

The other looks like a more grown-up type room, which you guess this guy's ded probably could be in...

> [John: Go in the study.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479570)


	71. John: Go in study.

Nope, empty. Apart from, of course, more clowns than you could ever have possibly wanted to see in the space of one lifetime.

> [John: Examine father's desk.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479588)


	72. John: Examine father's desk.

On the table is CRAP, MORE CRAP, EVEN MORE CRAP, a CAPTCHALOGUE CARD and THE HORRIBLE, DEBAUCHED GAME WHICH USES TROLL ROMANCE SYMBOLS ON PIECES OF CARD TO IMPLY ALL SORTS OF LEWD MULTI-QUADRANT ACTIVITIES.

This may have been the most disgusting thing you have seen all day. You feel dirty for even looking at that.

> [John: Upgrade costume with hat from hat rack.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479594)


	73. John: Upgrade costume with hat from hat rack.

Time to look EVEN MORE STUPID. HOORAY.

This is just as shitty a disguise as the last. You don't know why you even bother.

Maybe if you put another of the weird mouth things in your mouth, maybe people will be too distracted by HOW STUPID YOU LOOK to notice you intruding!

> [John: Combine second pipe with clever disguise.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479600)


	74. John: Combine second pipe with clever disguise.

... on second thoughts, maybe you're not THAT braindead yet.

> [John: Examine captchalogue card.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479612)


	75. John: Examine captchalogue card.

FINALLY!!!!!!!! With this, you might actually have sufficient space to actually do shit without launching all your possessions to every corner of the globe!!!!!!!!

Now you've just gotta...

> [John: Captchalogue captchalogue card.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479615)


	76. John: Captchalogue captchalogue card.

FUCK.

> [[S] John: Play haunting piano refrain.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479651)


	77. [S] John: Play haunting piano refrain.

[[FLASH PAGE]](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/00077/00077.swf)

Leaving that for the moment, your attention is drawn to this bizarre contraption in the corner. You've never seen one of these before in your life - well, not your troll life at least. Yet you seem instinctively drawn to it. Somehow, you know what to do. And what you do is dance your fingers across its keys, causing a melancholy melody to emerge. It resonates with you, just as it resonates the walls of the room with its crystal clear sound. You feel a connection to the music in a way you never have before, playing out your plight in notes pure and true.

With wonders like this, maybe this life won't be so bad after all.

> [John: Play 52 Pick-Up.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2479660)


	78. John: Play 52 Pick-Up.

Except it will, because you just knocked over all these fucking smutty cards.

Fuck you, creepy clown figurines. You're going outside.

> [John: Attempt to leave the house.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2979770)


	79. John: Attempt to leave the house.

You encounter a screen showing some sort of bizarre commercial.

Is this what life on this planet is usually like? Opening a box and never knowing whether it would be harmless or whether a green specter was poised to emerge? A constant atmosphere of fear and mistrust...

Just like Alternia, then!

You're not sure what the actual breathable atmosphere outside on this planet is like yet. Or whether it even is breathable. With its track record so far, it's probably highly toxic.

But fuck it, you're going outside anyway. If all else fails, you can always use your weird mouth thing as an impromptu snorkel.

> [John: Exit.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2979784)


	80. John: Exit.

It's quiet.

TOO QUIET.

And you've probably jinxed yourself forever by even thinking that phrase. Oops.

> [John: Check mail.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2979822)


	81. John: Check mail.

And of _course_ , it's empty.

Aren't you just so LUCKY!!!!!!!!

> [[S] ==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2979876)


	82. [S] ==>

[[FLASH PAGE]](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/10082/10082.swf)

The human recreation areas are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping habitations apart, as if sending a troll's consciousness to another planet, or say, a subjugglator's hive. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Confusion plays to fuck with its audience.

It is your first day in this human's body, and as with all zero preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest literary device from the pen of an unseen scribe, one to engender a sense not of revelation, but of obfuscation. Her dire phrases are those less of a literary genius than a common fanfic writer. Her riddle is Confusion itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the Alternian moons' faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the shittiest riddle of all.

"This is fucking stupid. Can I just find out what's going on already????????" -Vriska Serket

Well, you thought that, anyway.

You have a feeling it's going to be a long day. 

> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2979926)


	83. ==>

The emptiness of the mailbox glares at you.

You take the opportunity of this uneventful page to glare back at it for a moment. Yeah, how'd you like that????????

This is literally the dumbest thing you've done all day. And there's some pretty tough competition at the top of that list.

> [John: Leave a surprise for the mailman.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2979944)


	84. John: Leave a surprise for the mailman.

And that, if you'd actually done it, would have topped off the list in an instant. What is _with_ you today, Vriska????????

That's it. You've had enough of fucking around! You are going to track down this game and get down to playing it already!!!!!!!!

> [John: See if your father left the mail in the car.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2979966)


	85. John: See if your father left the mail in the car.

There it is!!!!!!!! Trapped inside a locked scuttlebuggy, of course. Hip hip hoo-fucking-ray!

You could break the window or something, of course. But you've probably done enough to draw the ire of this hive's inhabitants already. You don't want to be even more of an idiot.

> [John: Spy in the kitchen.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2979996)


	86. John: Spy in the kitchen.

There's too much gas in there for you to see clearly, but... you think that's another game disc there!

With a window between you and it.

Welp. Looks like there'll be no other way to get it...

> [John: Go back into the kitchen.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/2980016)


	87. John: Go back into the kitchen.

You need to get this game. And no matter how much you ran, a confrontation was bound to happen anyway. You may as well control the means of your possible imminent demise.

You steel yourself, waiting at the door to savor the few precious seconds you have left, then push it open.

_You're going in._

> [[S] John: Enter.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029338)


	88. [S] John: Enter.

[[FLASH PAGE]](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/00088/00088.swf)

It's time. You approach him.

The man himself stands before you.

You are face to face... with John's "dad".

> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029359)


	89. ==>

And of course he sees through your SHITTY DISGUISE instantly, because he is not A COMPLETE MORON.

He wields a fearsome instrument for your torture. It is a threat you knew well on Alternia. Inviting though it may seem, its true nature is deadly: POISON DEATH CAKE is not to be trifled with.

The man is obviously provoking you to battle. Well, if that's what he wants, then...

> [[S] STRIFE!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029380)


	90. [S] STRIFE!

[[FLASH PAGE]](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/00090/00090.swf)

> [John: Retrieve the package and flee to your room!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029398)


	91. John: Retrieve the package and flee to your room!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick question, dear readers: does anyone have any clue as to how I might actually embed the flash animations in the fic, rather than having to do the [FLASH PAGE] thing?

Your suspicions were confirmed. This hammer is useless as shit.

Meanwhile this cruel being won't even let you take the cow8rd's path and abscond!!!!!!!! He is blocking your path with yet another KILLER CONFECTION! Will the madness never cease????????

It looks like he's ready to splat. You know what you must do.

> [John: Equip disguise for defense.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029437)


	92. John: Equip disguise for defense.

You managed to re-equip the SHITTY DISGUISE again just in time to block the KILLER CONFECTION. The BEAGLE AEGIS bears the brunt of the blow.

You have survived. For now.

The only injury you sustain is to your PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT, which was not a stat you were aware you had until now.

> [John: Captachalogue pie tin.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029491)


	93. John: Captchalogue pie tin.

At last, a weapon you could use against him! Next time, you might be able to battle him on his own terms...

Hang on, the SMOKE PELLETS have been ejected! This could create just the opportunity you...

> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029509)


	94. ==>

OH COME OOOOOOOON.

OF ALL TIMES, YOU FAIL _NOW????????_

You bet that if they'd been ejected earlier, when you were messing around with your sylladex in your room, they would have gone off then and there. You fucking hate suspenseful storytelling sometimes.

> [John: Take the cake!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029539)


	95. John: Take the cake!

Right. That's it. This takes the cake.

This, in this scenario, being you.

The BIG-ASS BOOK is ejected...

> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029587)


	96. ==>

YESSSSSSSS.

Run, Vriska! Run!!!!!!!!

> [John: Abscond.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029593)


	97. John: Abscond.

You make a mad dash for the items on the table!!!!!!!!

> [John: Take PDA.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029608)


	98. John: Take PDA.

You take the primitive human handheld computing device. It'll probably come in handy at some point.

And hey, that fifth card is finally making itself useful! Now if only you had three more........

> [John: Take package.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029623)


	99. John: Take package.

It's here, so you may as well take it. You're never one to turn down SWEET LOOT.

> [John: Take envelope.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3029641)


	100. John: Take envelope.

And at last, you get this fucking game already!!!!!!!!

This game has caused you a shitton of trouble already, and you haven't even started playing yet!

But at least the worst is over. You can't think of anything worse this game could possibly cause to happen.

Right????????

> [John: Exit kitchen.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3088930)


	101. John: Exit kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna update this for 413... but that failed to happen when I had an idea for another fic. This another fic then failed to happen itself, thanks to DISTACTIONS. But it shall be finished! And [here's](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=006158) a sneaky clue as to what it involves.
> 
> Anyway. Better late than never, huh? I'll say I was [following Rose's lead](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/06053.gif) by updating this on 414 instead of 413, and it had nothing to do with anything else. Yes, that's a good idea. You now believe this story entirely. (Oh, the power of second person narration!)

One of the arms has fallen off the bizarre effigy and into one of the cakes.

At least it's not dissolving yet. Hopefully this cake will be safe to pick up...

> [John: Get cake on couch.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3088954)


	102. John: Get cake on couch.

And your sylladex isn't dissolving now either. This cake at least is probably safe.

Perhaps you can combine it with the other card containing cake to free up space?

Yes, this is a fantastic idea. You can think of exactly zero things that could go wrong here.

> [John: Combine the cakes to make a double decker cake.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3088966)


	103. John: Combine the cakes to make a double decker cake.

MAKE THAT ONE THING.

> [John: Retreat upstairs!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3088984)


	104. John: Retreat upstairs!

Is there any surgery equipment in this hive???????? You think you're gonna need it for this.

> [John: Go to bathroom and grab a towel.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3089038)


	105. John: Go to bathroom and grab a towel.

You enter the ABLUTION BLOCK.

You can see some pretty bizarre things out the window here. Some kind of slime statue???????? Weird. Springy, too. Looks like it'd be fun to poke, for some reason.

Anyway, there is a BLADE in here with which you could probably dissect the LARGE MESS IN YOUR SYLLADEX.

> [John: Remove PDA, envelope and package from cake.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3089068)


	106. John: Remove PDA, envelope and package from cake.

It's a nailbiting surgical procedure, but you manage it at last. All your items are safely extracted.

You take the BLADE. It'll probably be useful at some point.

Now to get everything else...

> [John: Retrieve your items.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3089086)


	107. John: Retrieve your items.

Aaaaaaaand there goes that pile of shit. Good riddance.

> [John: Go to bedroom.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3089104)


	108. John: Go to bedroom.

Looks like you've got some chums to pester...

They can wait.

> [John: Admire "Failure to Launch" poster.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3089128)


	109. John: Admire "Failure to Launch" poster.

This wall seems to be entirely dedicated to this "Matthew McConaughey" guy.

He's not bad, you guess. But you wish the wall could be dedicated to the heartthrob from Con Air instead.

> [[S] John: Check Pesterchum.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3089431)


	110. [S] John: Check Pesterchum.

[[FLASH PAGE]](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/00110/00110.swf)

\-- gardenGnostic  [GG]  began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB] at 16:34 --

GG: hi happy birthday john!!!!! <3  
GG: helloooooo??  
GG: ok i will talk to you later!!! :D

\-- gardenGnostic  [GG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist  [EB] at 16:56 --

EB: Oh my fucking god.  
EB: _You_ are Karkat????????  
EB: This is hil8rious!!!!!!!!  
EB: How does it feel having to act like someone that dum8, Karkat?  
EB: I 8et you're going to shout at me when you get 8ack online.  
EB: 8ring it on, I say!!!!!!!!  
EB: I haven't had to deal with one of your rants in aaaaaaaages. This should 8e amusing!  
EB: No reply, huh?  
EB: F8ne!!!!!!!!  
EB: 8ye........

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB] at 16:40 --

  
TG: hey GG is looking for you why are you even so popular all of a sudden  
TG: is today some sort of special occasion or something  
TG: did you do something to curry favor with ladies  
TG: did you break your leg on a puppy or some shit  
TG: dude what are you doing  


\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] is now an idle chum! --

EB: I thought you were going to stop being the human kid.  
TG: W3LL M4YB3 1 L1K3 B31NG TH3 HUM4N K1D  
TG: its pretty dope bro  
EB: No, stop it, it looks weird.  
TG: WHY SHOULD 1  
TG: hey look i am dave strider and i am the coolest human kid ever!!!!  
TG: 1T 1S 4 ROL3PL4Y VR1SK4  
TG: 1 THOUGHT YOU L1K3D ROL3PL4Y  
EB: I do!!!!!!!! When it's not 8ullshit.  
EB: When you roleplay, you gotta roleplay as the heroes! The ones who win everything!  
EB: Otherwise you just end up as a lame loser. And who wants to 8e one of those????????  
TG: D4V3 1S COOL THOUGH  
EB: Yeah, no.  
EB: He sounds like a wanna8e to me.  
TG: HOW D1D YOU 3V3N G3T TO TH4T CONCLUS1ON  
TG: D4V3 1S TH3 COOL3ST OK4Y  
EB: Whatever, I don't really care!  
EB: I got the 8eta.  
TG: >:D  
TG: D1D YOU G3T TH3 R3D P4CK4G3 TOO  
EB: Yeah.  
TG: TH4T W4S SP3C1F1C4LLY 4 WR1GGL1NG D4Y PR3S3NT FOR JOHN  
TG: BUT M4YB3 YOU W1LL L1K3 1T 4S W3LL?????  
EB: I don't think so.  
TG: BLUH WH4T3V3R  
EB: It's trapped under the beta, anyway.  
TG: UGH YOU H4V3 ST4CK MODUS DONT YOU  
EB: Yes........  
TG: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4  
EB: Fuck you!  
TG: NO BUT S3R1OUSLY  
TG: you should totally like BONE UP on your data structures dude  
TG: like get all down to business on them  
TG: make those data structures your bitch dude  
EB: Stop it!!!!!!!!  
EB: Wow, Dave Strider was DEFINITELY a wanna8e.  
TG: SHUT UP 4ND G3T TO PL4Y1NG TH4T G4M3  
TG: K4N4Y4 R34LLY W4NTS TO S3T UP  
EB: Okay, fine.

> [John: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3123529)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, with Karkat (Jade edition) finally introduced, that's pretty much all I can manage for today.  
> HAPPY very much belated 413!!!!!!!!


	111. John: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com

Obviously the logical thing to do now is NOTHING IMPORTANT WHATSOEVER.

As well as meta. You've always got time for meta.

> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3123541)


	112. ==>

What is this?!

Not Problem Sleuth, that's what!

You honestly couldn't care less about this thing. It will obviously be of no consequences to your life whatsoever. 

Perhaps you should just play this game already!!!!!!!!

> [John: Install the Sburb beta.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3123559)


	113. John: Install the Sburb beta.

You decide it's time for less meta, and more beta.

The author also decides that this was too good a joke to waste in this adaptation.

(... I thought we said _less_ meta?)

> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3123580)


	114. ==>

_This_ is a _game????????_

Of all planets you could have landed on, you obviously had to land on the most technologically backward one out there. Ugh.

> [John: Bone up on data structures.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3123616)


	115. John: Bone up on data structures.

You hate to prove Terezi right, but you probably need to wisen up on the whole data structures thing.

Maybe you could just tell her you knew all this already and were just hiding it........

........ no, this situation is unsalvagable. And that'd only make it worse. NICE GOING, VRISKA!

> [John: Read Data Structures book.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3123643)


	116. John: Read Data Structures book.

Reading this thing would probably be like wading through one of Karkat's finest rants. Except less funny.

No, a winner like you goes STR8 FOR THE TREASURE........

> [John: Get free Fetch Modus.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3123664)


	117. John: Get free Fetch Modus.

AW YES. You're totally nabbing this. Shame the chumpy John boy didn't get it sooner!

> [John: Apply Fetch Modus to Sylladex.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3123685)


	118. John: Apply Fetch Modus to Sylladex.

Even though it has instantly made absolutely everything a whole bunch less convenient.

> [John: Switch back to Stack Modus.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3123715)


	119. John: Switch back to Stack Modus.

Did... did you even have a card for that one? And where would you even find it?

And where even is all this sylladex stuff, anyway? What is the deal with that????????

You're... gonna stop this now before you get existential again.

> [John: Put down razor.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/3123754)


	120. John: Put down razor.

No.

You cannot put down the razor. The concept is alien to you, even more alien than the world you have found yourself in. It is simply inconceivable, in the true sense of the word.

What is the nature of this reality you live in? That you cannot even comprehend an instruction to put something down, that you do not even have the capacity to--

COME ON. I SAID NO GETTING EXISTENTIAL. JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT ALL THIS BULLSHIT, AND WE'LL ALL BE A LOT BETTER OFF.

GOT THAT?

GOOD. THANK YOU. NOW WE CAN CONTINUE.

> [John: Pick up two items.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4049565)


	121. John: Pick up two items.

_Veeeeeeeery_ gingerly, you take the suspicious looking-confectionary into your sylladex.

> [John: Get other cake.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4049601)


	122. John: Get other cake.

And the other...

OH NO!!!!!!!! Your precious triangular segment of hair! You will ensure its sacrifice was not in vain.

Meanwhile, you give ZERO SHITS about whatever douchebag actor that is on the wall. Seriously, who is that douchebag?

A TIME TO KILL, alright. To kill him, that is. Whoever he actually is.

At least it didn't skewer your precious Cusack.

> [John: Get more stuff.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4049661)


	123. John: Get more stuff.

May as well captchalogue a BIG-ASS BOOK too...

In the process, you seem to have gained a new hat. You briefly consider wearing it around the hive in an attempt to blend in. 

Fortunately, you quickly realize how stupid this notion is. Even you, formerly a member of a species in which fashion sense was a rare anomaly, cannot imagine wearing a moisture absorber to be stylish on ANY planet.

Maybe humanity is rubbing off on you...?

> [John: Might as well grab those cuffs.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4049691)


	124. John: Might as well grab those cuffs.

You pick them up absentmindedly, forgetting for a second that they are quite obviously FAKEY FAKE F8KES.

Why the hell would you ever need these?

> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4049742)


	125. ==>

Especially seeing as you just exchanged them for something you probably _will_ need...

ISN'T THIS DAY JUST TURNING OUT 8EAUTIFULLY???????? CONGRATUL8TIONS VRISKA!!!!!!!!

Curse your shitty luck.

Or, rather, don't. Cursing it would just make you even more unlucky. And that is the _last_ thing you need.

> [John: Open up that package!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4116621)


	126. John: Open up that package!

You'll probably have to cut the thing open first.

Luckily (for once), there's a razor just over there. All you need to do is--

> [John: Get razor.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4116636)


	127. John: Get razor.

> [John: Pick up package again.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4116684)


	128. John: Pick up package again.

Okay, Vriska. Deep breaths. You are _not_ going to go crazy over something as useless as a FUCKING BOX. UGH.

You can handle basic inventory problems, can't you?

Sweet Troll Jegus - whatever that random phrase you just thought up means - how are you going to manage surviving on a whole different planet if you can't even open a box????????

At least now that douchebag actor can get poisoned instead of you.

> [John: Captchalogue glass shards. ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4116720)


	129. John: Captchalogue glass shards.

You're gonna have to be very careful from now on. One false move and you rain glassy death over all that surrounds you.

... as if you weren't doing that already.

> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4116744)


	130. ==>

Looking out the window at the results of your devastation really helps drive hive what a useless fuckup you are, doesn't it?

> [John: Use the razor on the red package.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4116759)


	131. John: Use the razor on the red package.

Finally, you can open this thing!

Whatever is in there, it _stinks_...

> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4116825)


	132. ==>

... yet, once you see what lies within, your emotions change from revulsion to _joy_.

You honestly do not know why this swells your human heart so - it's just some toy hopbeast or something. But you just cannot look at this without feeling yourself full of youthful innocence.

You know this is stupid. You know you're stupid for loving such a useless present. But, for whatever reason, it just feels so god damn _wonderful_.

> [John: Check status of Sburb beta.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4312314)


	133. John: Check status of Sburb beta.

Oh, fine. You'll take a break from being ecstatic about this fucking hopbeast to assuage your computer's relentless nagging.

> [John: Look at monitor.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4312344)


	134. John: Look at monitor.

God you hope the whole game isn't like this.

> [John: Check Pesterchum window.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4312995)


	135. John: Check Pesterchum window.

TT: I Suppose You Are Ready By Now?  
EB: Oh? Oh yeah.  
EB: Let's play this shitty game then.  
TT: Do Lighten Up.  
TT: I Presume It Is The Game Of The Year For A Reason.  
EB: What's a year?  
TT: Approximately Half A Sweep, I've Calculated.  
EB: So you're telling me it's not even good enough to 8e the game of the sweep?  
EB: It has to settle for HALF a sweep????????  
EB: What a f8ilure.  
TT: No But  
TT: Oh Whatever.  
TT: I'm Connecting To You.  
EB: You know, I really dislike this new typing style of yours!  
EB: It's just not you! What happened to the old Kanaya?  
TT: You  
TT: Prefer It When I Type Like This?  
TT: I Mean  
TT: Um  
TT: Ignore The Surprise Noodle Concluding That Previous Sentence Fragment  
TT: Im Quite Willing To Revert To My Initial Quirk If You Wish Me To Do So  
EB: Wow, ok8y, it's not that 8ig a deal????????  
TT: Oh  
TT: Goodness I Am Overblowing This Aren't I  
EB: Just do whatever. I don't really c8re.  
TT: You Don't?  
EB: Hey, here's an idea. Instead of fretting a8out your typing quirk, how a8out you actually tell me what the fuck I'm looking at here????????  
TT: Oh Yes Of Course  
TT: Youre Running The Client Application For This Game  
TT: I Have Established A Connection To You, Acting As Your Server Player  
TT: Shall We Play  
EB: Funny.  
TT: What Is  
EB: Despite me saying I didn't care a8out your typing quirk, you're still using your old one for me.  
EB: Did I ever tell you what an aaaaaaaawesome moirail you are?  
TT: Moirail  
TT: Yes  
TT: That Is What We Were, Wasn't It  
EB: Oh come on. You can't h8ve forgotten!!!!!!!!  
TT: Of Course I Haven't  
TT: Havent  
TT: Its Just That  
TT: Well  
TT: Lets Just Play Ok  
EB: Yeah.  


> [John: Press [ENTER]](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4313061)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to edit this image, couldn't get it to plausibly work otherwise :C  
> But I promise I'll only ever edit images when there's dialogue in them! Pinky swear!


	136. John: Press [ENTER]

Okay. This looks more promising.

> [[S] ==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/4314528)


	137. [S] ==>

[[FLASH PAGE]](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/00137/00137.swf)

> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5058098)


	138. ==>

[[FLASH PAGE]](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/00138/00138.swf)

You are now briefly Kanaya, surveying the absolute mess she's already made of his room.

And lamenting the inherent situational confusion caused by gendered pronouns.

> [TT: Select magic chest.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5058146)


	139. TT: Select magic chest.

May as well clean up a little for her. Someone's got to keep her sorted out.

> [TT: Zoom out.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5058209)


	140. TT: Zoom out.

[[FLASH PAGE]](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/00140/00140.swf)

The view here is far more merciful. This house is undoubtedly kept clean as an auxiliatrix's needle. You expect that this is one of the duties encompassed by the human virtue known as Fatherliness, as taught to you by John before his disappearance.

> [TT: Drop chest.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5058308)


	141. TT: Drop chest.

Yes, a pristine, clean orderliness. A pristine, clean orderliness which you have just spoilt by haphazardly dropping a massive fucking chest on top of it.

EB: Oh, wow! Well done, Kanaya!!!!!!!!  
TT: Im Sorry I Couldnt Help It  
EB: Well, you'd 8etter start helping it.  
EB: I'm not playing this game just to 8e 8rought down by an amateur.  
TT: I'll  
TT: Ill Be More Careful Then

> [John: Get the card.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5651165)


	142. John: Get the card.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [HOVER FOR HOMESTUCK ADVENTURE GAME SPOILERS]

Yessssssss! With this new card, you now have all the more choice as to which objects you wish to mess up this boy's block with. Such freedom of choice!

> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5651198)


	143. ==>

The adult occupant of this hive is leaving. Good. Now you'll have safe access to the whole hive, with no need to worry about your probable impending murder. For a few minutes, at least.

> [TT: Select stuff in yard and move it back into room.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5651243)


	144. TT: Select stuff in yard and move it back into room.

TT: Ill Just Do A Little Tidying Up  
TT: Oh  
TT: Well That Doesn't Seem To Be Possible  
TT: Perhaps The Moving Of Objects Is Only Permissible Within A Certain Range Of You  
EB: 8luh. Game of the Year? All it is so far is irritating.

> [TT: Select John.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5651267)


	145. TT: Select John.

TT: I Wonder What Happens If I...  
EB: WH8T DO YOU TH8NK YOU'RE DO8NG!!!!!!!!  
TT: Ah.  
EB: You can meddle with my house, but don't you d8re try meddling with me.  
TT: My Apologies

> [TT: Select bunny.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5651288)


	146. TT: Select bunny.

TT: What About This

> [TT: Put the bunny back in the box.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5651318)


	147. TT: Put the bunny back in the box.

EB: ::::D  
TT: Well You Certainly Seem Ok With That  
TT: ...  
TT: Vriska?  
EB: What?  
EB: Oh. Yeah. That's cool.

> [TT: Revise room.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5651345)


	148. TT: Revise room.

TT: Alright  
TT: Hopefully This Will Be An Advantageous Modification To Your Human Hive

> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5651369)


	149. ==>

TT: But Ugh, It Just Looks So Terrible  
EB: What does?  
TT: Never Mind

> [TT: Open Phernalia Registry.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5651393)


	150. TT: Open Phernalia Registry.

TT: At Least The Surplus Space Will Prove To Be Functional

> [TT: Deploy Totem Lathe.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5651420)


	151. TT: Deploy Totem Lathe.

TT: There

> [John: Examine Totem Lathe.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1082766/chapters/5651456)


	152. John: Examine Totem Lathe.

EB: What the fuck?

> TT: Open Grist Cache


End file.
